She stared into the open space
As though looking for something she lost
Only she was not thinking
She was trying to numb her feelings
‘When does it ever end?
Is this what it is destined to be?
A life of loneliness before I meet the one?’
‘Where are my friends?
No, scratch that, where is my friend?
I only just long for one
Not many, am not that capable
One soul that will connect with mine
That will share the things I cherish
As I share its
That will see the depth of my depravity
And we accept one another
As works in progress
That we correct, teach and embrace one another’
But more, she thought, that love is explained in the context of a relationship
You see, she always wondered
What love is
No, am not talking romantic love
Love is kind, love is gentle
Love is not self-seeking
Love covers a multitude of sins
Where is love?
Does that mean she had never experienced it?
Yes, she had heard it mentioned severally
But it was nothing kind
It was lying
Hurting to the very depths of her heart
Yes, we live in a world that is sin infested
Yes, we can never be perfect
But she did not ask for perfection
She knew she would never get it
She only asked that you try
Apologizing for mistakes
Never hurting on purpose
Is that too much?
She knows that she is expected to offer a comment on herself
To ask whether she was that
Whether she had been loving
Lest she looks bad in her own story
But you see she really does not care much how she looks
Truth is she could never look as bad as she is
‘So, go ahead, think am selfish
Meanwhile, I sit here
That heavens will hear my cry
And grant me that one friend
But she doubted a bit
Because she wondered if this was a prayer she should be making
She knows she is to focus on His glory
It seems to her that here she focused on her depravity
‘What to do?
Am so confused
Am so beaten down by life
Am so lonely
Calling for help seems to be of no use
Will He help?
I know I have been told He cares
I think I believe it
I wonder why it has never been revealed
In my many failed friendships
I want to ask where He was
I do not want to question His sovereignty
And perfect will’
Yet she cannot help but feel cornered
Where she is all alone
Without a mortal to give a care
And to try to understand
‘Knowing He does care
Wondering why He never does anything
Is this what am condemned to?
To ever be with people, but not really with them?’
She closes her eyes, kneels down and whispers a prayer
Maybe this time it will be different
Because this time she knows
She can only depend on Him.