She stared into the open space

As though looking for something she lost

Only she was not thinking

Or looking

She was trying to numb her feelings

‘When does it ever end?

Is this what it is destined to be?

A life of loneliness before I meet the one?’

She wondered.

‘Where are my friends?

No, scratch that, where is my friend?

I only just long for one

Not many, am not that capable

One soul that will connect with mine

That will share the things I cherish

As I share its

That will see the depth of my depravity

Reveal its,

And we accept one another

As works in progress

That we correct, teach and embrace one another’

But more, she thought, that love is explained in the context of a relationship

You see, she always wondered

What love is

No, am not talking romantic love

Love is kind, love is gentle

Love is not self-seeking

Love covers a multitude of sins

Where is love?

Does that mean she had never experienced it?

Yes, she had heard it mentioned severally

But it was nothing kind

Or gentle

It was lying


Hurting to the very depths of her heart

Yes, we live in a world that is sin infested

Yes, we can never be perfect

But she did not ask for perfection

She knew she would never get it

She only asked that you try

Admitting failures,

Apologizing for mistakes

Never hurting on purpose

Relating honestly

Is that too much?

She knows that she is expected to offer a comment on herself

To ask whether she was that

Whether she had been loving

Lest she looks bad in her own story

But you see she really does not care much how she looks

Truth is she could never look as bad as she is

‘So, go ahead, think am selfish

Meanwhile, I sit here


Hoping, praying

That heavens will hear my cry

And grant me that one friend

Spouse maybe’

But she doubted a bit

Because she wondered if this was a prayer she should be making

She knows she is to focus on His glory

It seems to her that here she focused on her depravity

‘What to do?

Am so confused

Am so beaten down by life

Am so lonely

Calling for help seems to be of no use

Will He help?

I know I have been told He cares

I think I believe it

I wonder why it has never been revealed

In my many failed friendships

I want to ask where He was

I do not want to question His sovereignty

And perfect will’

Yet she cannot help but feel cornered

Where she is all alone

Without a mortal to give a care

And to try to understand

‘Knowing He does care

Wondering why He never does anything

Is this what am condemned to?

To ever be with people, but not really with them?’

She closes her eyes, kneels down and whispers a prayer

Maybe this time it will be different

Because this time she knows

She can only depend on Him.

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